Author: Priscillia November 26, 2014 1 Comment

This is a piece I wrote a while ago, inspired by the song of the same name. Sometimes, we see friends and loved ones in relationships that are less than ideal. Not necessarily abusive, ust not as deserving. We look on from the outside and think why is that particular friend of ours so weak/stupid/blind etc to stay in such a bad situation. I am not at all condoning it. But the following is a piece of fiction, pieced together from experiences, both my own and close friends, that will perhaps bring you a little closer to the situation and maybe help you see it from their eyes.

 

We’re here again. It feels like everything we ever do leads us right back here. Screaming at each other. Tears streaming down my face, hurling plates and glasses at him while he tries to restrain me.

“If he loves you he’ll never make you cry”. “Love is not suppose to hurt this bad”. “He’s not worth it if the cost is tears”. I hear it all. And I’m a smart girl. I know and I realize… But you don’t understand…

I lay awake and watch him sleep. And I wonder, how will I spend the rest of my life with him. It hurts so bad to be with him… but to be without him…

I remember the day we met, the day it all started. It didn’t start as anything…. Two kids fooling around. But it was the way he made my heart melt with the little things he did that he thought I didn’t notice. Breakfast made before he left. The bed made before I came out the shower. The little things.

I struggle free from him and pick up a piece of broken glass from the floor and begin to cut myself. He grabs me and slams me against the wall, wrestling the glass out of my hand.

The tears stream down my face, my heart breaking.

Things moved so quickly. We before we even realized, we were living together and trying to build a life. I know he loves me but it feels like he never sees me. He looks at me and remembers everyone that has ever hurt him… and I never would. He lies to about where he’s going and who he’s seeing thinking that i wouldn’t trust him… but I do. All the deceit… coming out of love. Does that make sense?

I understand at first… but how long can I do this? The jealously, the manhandling. Screaming at me in front of my friends, making it harder to defend him to them.

 

He lets go of me and I fall to the floor. He walks away from me, tears in his eyes. I look up and rush at him, clawing and scratching… wanting to hurt him the way this is hurting me.

But I know he loves me with all he has. That’s why he’s like this.

And truly…he’s all that I have. He needs me the way I need him.

But how can we live like this.

This isn’t living…. This isn’t a life.

He turns around and pins my arms by putting his around me as I scream for him to not touch me. He holds me close and I can feel his heart breaking too.

We crumple to the floor, crying into each other. He arms still around me… so tight.

We’re both so broken. How can we fix each other when we’re both so beyond repair ourselves?

We’re right back here again.

He holds me tight and kisses my forehead softly. I cry into his shoulders.

We’re right back here again.

He promises to be better.

We’re right back here again.

He promises no more tears.

We’re right back here, where we’ve been so many times before. I know I should leave, but I can’t.

I love him.

He promises me the world. To be the man I deserve. To make me happy. To only ever make me laugh and smile and give me everything I’ve ever wanted.

We’re right back here again. And I’ve heard it all before. Its all lies. But I stay there in his arms as he makes the promises he’s made a dozen times. And I know he means each word.

But it’s all lies. He will never change and neither will I. But I listen to his promises anyway…. Coz in the end… I love the way he lies.